Today's funny stuff: The Hawaii Chair.

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Issue #802

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thefunnystuff.net Video of the Day.
Today's funny stuff was submitted by subscriber Mesloan.
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The Hawaii Chair. Click to watch.

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Duration: 3 minutes 29 seconds

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Today's funny stuff: A senior moment. This one has a bit of foul language in it.

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Issue #800

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thefunnystuff.net Video of the Day.
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A senior moment. This one has a bit of foul language in it. Click to watch.

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Today's funny stuff: What do these drivers have in common?

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Issue #799

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Today's funny stuff: CPR Training prank.

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Issue #788

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Friends

I just posted this message on my Yuwie blog. I got it from a friend and believe me it hit home. It makes you realize how much friends and family really mean to us and how we can easily not take the time to tell them. I am posting it here as well.

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might
be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends
and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

This reminds me of a song from the late, great, Stevie Ray Vaughn called "Life By The Drop",
That says the same thing in song.

The Famous Whopper Video

I know this video has been around for quite a while but I just had to put it here because it is funnier every time i watch it! Is that young dude stoned or what? They could have given him a Krystal burger and he wouldn't have known the difference!

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of w oo d at a ll times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mothe r mus t be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that t he y had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

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President Bush to Convert to Judaism

In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is not sufficiently supportive of Israel, one of America 's closest allies, today, President George W. Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.

Authorities have been unable to handle the tens of thousands of applicants who have volunteered to do the circumcision ...

Thanks for all the emails

THANKS FOR ALL THE E-MAILS

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because
lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including
feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although
cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public bathroom. Yuck!




I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.



Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.




I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.




I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.





Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number f or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Pilot humor

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.





P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.




P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search



P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.




P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.




And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Subject: Doctors will be Doctors

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even care'

Subject: Friends

Let's see if you send it back. We all know or knew someone like this!!

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was
carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.'
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friend tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.'

He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!' There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the mor e I g ot to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! ' He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.. When we were seniors we began to think about college.Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak that really found himself during high school. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and

smiled.
'Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cle ared hi s throat, and began 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.I am going to tell you a story'

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smiled 'Thankfull y, I was saved.My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable. I heard the gasp go throughthe crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.
You now have two choices, you can:
1) Pass this on to your friends or
2) Delete it and act like it didn' t touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice number 1.
'Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.''There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.

The Baxter's

---

Subject: Prayer Request

As I reflect on this photograph, I see once again that not all the brave leave the 'home of the brave' to enter battle; some are required now to be the brave of the home. It is said a picture is worth a thousand words, but this one leaves me speechless. Would You Send This Please For all the men and women deployed to Iraq and their families I feel compelled to send it on. Your prayers are deeply appreciated. These men and women and their families deserve our love, our hugs and most powerfully, our prayers. Prayer Request: I understand that life in Iraq is very difficult to bear right now. Our troops need our prayers for strength, endurance and safety. Send this on after a short prayer; please don't break it: 'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need... Amen.' When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world. There' s nothing attached; just send this to all in your address book. Do not let it stop with you, please -- of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best!!!

---

Subject: No Bull

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.' Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

.

Frank has invited you to Yuwie!

----------------------------------------
You have been invited to join Yuwie by Frank Sisinni. When you join, you will be instantly connected to Frank and Frank's friends. Click the link below to join.

http://www.yuwie.com/yuwie.asp?r=584657&vid=2610414

What is Yuwie?
=================
First off, Yuwie is 100% FREE. Yuwie is like any other "connect with friends" or social networking site. But we have one major difference.

Use Yuwie - Get Paid!

Yuwie pays you to blog, upload pictures, refer friends, chat, hang out, etc.

---------------------------------------------
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Interactive Quizzes: Entertainment

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Trivia For Frank Sunday April 6, 2008   • Interactive Trivia Quizzes: Entertainment   • Kittens Chase Bear up Tree Interactive Trivia Quizzes: Entertainment Keep up with the latest news from Hollywood, TV gossip, and more with the daily Entertainment Today ezine. While you're waiting for your first issue, test your knowledge of movies, TV, Broadway, and more! The following are sample questions and links to the quizzes: The musical "Man of La Mancha" was based on what classic novel? Click to take the Broadway Entertainment Quiz. What was Elmer Fudd's original name? Click to take the Looney Tunes Quiz. The actor Tim Curry was cast as which character in the 1975 film The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Click to take the Cult Movies Quiz. Which movie is based on a Broadway musical which was, itself, based on an earlier movie? Click to take the Comedy Films Quiz. What show featured characters named Tracy, Laurie, Reuben, Chris, Keith, Shirley and Danny? Click to take the TV Reruns Quiz. Click for the full list of quizzes. Subscribe to Entertainment Today instantly. Find out more before subscribing. Kittens Chase Bear up Tree Two 6-month-old kittens did what residents of Apoka, Fla., were not brave enough to do: chase a wild bear up a tree. Don't believe it? Read the whole story from ArcaMax Weird News! For more news of the unique, unbelievable, and just plain weird, sign up for the Weird News ezine and have the latest headlines delivered to you by e-mail all week long. Subscribe to Weird News instantly. Find out more before subscribing. -- From the ArcaMax editors Recent Stories The Answer Man by Andy Seamans What was writings on blindness taboo? How many types of flatfish are there? What's the difference between a nook and a cranny? When were horseshoes first machine stamped? More Archived Stories More From ArcaMax Publishing Newsletters: Comics - Knowledge - Lifestyles - News - More Classic Books: Fiction - Non Fiction - Short Stories - Sci Fi - More More: Quizzes - Sudoku - Crossword - Weather - Sports - Columns En Español: Ultimas Noticias - Tiras Comicas - Deportes - Soduko Ad Free Newsletter ArcaMax publications are now available in an "advertising-free" format. Please click here for details.	Quick Clicks Stop Dreading Mondays, click to learn to live 7 days of Saturdays GOT INK? SAVE Up To 90% on InkJet Cartridges. Many Brands - Buy 1 get 2 Free. World Wide Data Entry Workers Needed - At Home Work. Details here Bad Credit? Learn How To Fix It With Your PC! RegistrySmart: 1-Click PC error diagnostics & repair. Try it free. How to build an effective marketing business on the 'Net Why pay over $90 a month for Cable or Sat.TV services? Download A TV!
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