Thanks for all the emails

THANKS FOR ALL THE E-MAILS

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the
past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because
lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including
feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although
cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public bathroom. Yuck!




I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.



Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.




I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.




I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.





Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number f or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Pilot humor

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.





P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.




P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search



P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.




P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.




And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Subject: Doctors will be Doctors

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even care'