Some Jokes for Today

I'm Sorry But Your Old Man Is Dead!

Brenda is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim, her husbands best friend arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband John is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda he fell ito a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee!"

A Death In The Family!

Mary goes up to the pastor after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Paster, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The paster says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Yes he did, Father."
The pastor says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, he said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

Pass The T.P. Please!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!!!"